My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
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I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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