There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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