well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dear god my vagina.
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