In America we eat man semen.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
