I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
my liver is dry heaving
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
