My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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