White coat. Heels.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
