just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
