You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
