apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
