i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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