if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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