He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
