I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
