you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
