She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
