I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
