I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
