i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize