every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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