Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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