I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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