went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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