dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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