People in love make me want to vomit
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
