i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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