She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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