Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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