is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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