haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
