Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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