i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
