so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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