im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
