the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
