she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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