I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
