And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
