He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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