so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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