dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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