watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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