Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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