Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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