Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
