I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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