I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You were trust falling into bushes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
