Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
