I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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