all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
