She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we made out on top of his cat.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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