My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
