2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
thus making me awesome and them whores
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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