I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
