This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
