I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You are the jesus of drinking
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
