His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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