I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
