I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
