Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
